Hasaaan Chop!

I’m really not much of a foodie. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy eating and I appreciate good food, but I’m just as happy with good $10 Thai take-out as I am with a $50 dinner.

If I am going to drop cash for a meal, it better involve good drinks and manly food (unless of course, I’m wining and dining a woman in an attempt to get into her drawers, then I might eat at some organic-pussified boutique restaurant that she saw on the Food Fucking Network).

Not to get off topic here, but since I mentioned “organic” I have to say a few words about that. The way that the food industry has hijacked the words “organic” and “all natural” pisses me off. The real definition of organic is a class of organic compounds that contain carbon. Plastics are organic, as are many really toxic compounds (e.g. pesticides, like DDT). And as for “all natural”, which means occurring in nature, guess what: lard is all natural. So are mercury and lead. So neither “organic” nor “all natural” really means “good for you.”

End rant…

Anyway, my favorite place to drop cash for manly food (read: food that had parents, possibly served bloody) and drink is the District Chophouse and Brewery. Even though this is a small corporate chain (in the line of Rock Bottom Brewery), they make up for that with extremely good meat (snicker) and excellent beer brewed on-site.

The beer is my favorite of the brew houses in DC. The selection varies but they always have a light, an amber and a brown on tap. I am partial to the brown and I’ve had several very good stouts there as well. They also always have one of their brews offered as “velvet”, meaning they use nitrogen gas (like Guinness) instead of carbon dioxide. They have a decent wine list and a full bar, but if you aren’t drinking beer here you are missing out…or possibly retarded.

Like any good steak house, the portions are large enough that you don’t need an appetizer (and entrees come with a salad and cornbread). However, if you are just having a snack with a couple of pints of beer, go with the pizza (very tasty) or the onion rings, which are, I shit you not, the size of donuts.

Any of their meat products are outstanding. In general I prefer steak to lamb, but that’s just a personal preference of mine and does not reflect the quality of the things that once went “baaaa” at this establishment. The crab cakes are also very good. There is one chicken dish on the menu, but I think you need to demonstrate that you have ovaries in order to order it.

The ambience has a 1920’s speakeasy feel to it, complete with a swing music soundtrack. The service is generally very good, especially the bartenders. If you are looking for a less formal dining experience, head to the upstairs bar which is cool place to hang out.

Cheers,
Dr. D


The Skinny
District Chophouse and Brewery
Location: 509 7th Street, NW

Closest Metro: Gallery Place/Chinatown (Red/Yellow/Green line; use Arena exit)

Cost (for entrée and two drinks, including tip): $45

Dress Code: No, but most people are in business casual

Dancing: No.

Sports on TV: There are a few TVs and they will put a game on for you if you ask.

Type of Restaurant: Steakhouse/brewpub

Bar?: Yes, there are two bars. I really like the upstairs bars, which sports 2 pool tables and some couches.

Happy Hour Specials: Beer specials from 3 pm until 7 pm weekdays.

Chicken Tenders: One Star, one of the few items on the menu that isn’t good.

Sunday Brunch: Yes, although it is shame to come here and not get a steak.

Web site: http://www.chophouse.com/DCHome.php?FKLocationID=10092

I’ll Have My Feline-tini Shaken, not Stirred

Most of the bars on Capitol Hill are filled with staffers, many of whom are under 25 and spend their evenings drinking copious quantities of cheap, bad American beer. I’m fine with that, especially when this behavior leads to female interns, whose underwear choices range from “something really cool that I don't even know about*” to “fuck it, it’s laundry day”, dancing on tables.

Ahem.

Sometimes, however, you want to go to a grown up bar. You know, a bar where you don’t have to play “Name that Puddle.” A bar where it’s apparently unacceptable to tell a woman that you have a prehensile penis**. Lounge 201 fills that niche on the Hill.

As the name suggests, it is a lounge, specializing in martinis. Well, it specializes in things served in martini glasses, which technically aren’t martinis. A martini is made with gin or vodka, vermouth and olives or onions. There is no fruit. Martinis aren’t blue. I think these pansy drinks should be called pussytinis. On the other hand, after 3 or 4 of those, a woman is much more likely to start counting the change in my pocket, which is a bonus.

Anyway, I am told the pussytinis at Lounge 201 are good. And they do make real martinis as well. I usually stick to their fairly impressive, albeit bottled, specialty beer list. As an added extra bonus, on Thursdays the specialty beers are half priced until 9 pm (and $1 off after that). I am a big fan of the Ellie’s Brown ($3 during happy hour) and the Arrogant Bastard ($6 for happy hour, but it’s a 22 oz bottle and it’s 10% alcohol, so that’s a bargain). Last time I was there, I ordered an Arrogant Bastard and one of my friends laughed and said, “Of course.” Not sure what that says about her opinion of me, but I was too drunk to care. If you aren’t familiar with Arrogant Bastard, the side of the bottle reads:

“This is an aggressive beer. You probably won’t like it. It is quite doubtful that you have the taste or sophistication to be able to appreciate an ale of this quality and depth. We would suggest that you stick to safer and more familiar territory – maybe something with a multi-million dollar ad campaign aimed at convincing you it’s made in a little brewery, or one that implies that their tasteless fizzy yellow beer will give you more sex appeal. Perhaps you think multi-million dollar ad campaigns make a beer taste better. Perhaps you are mouthing your words as you read this.”

Did I mention that three bottles of this will get you fucked in half drunk?

The crowd at 201 is oddly variable. On some nights there are gaggles of attractive Hill staffers***, throwing back cocktails and trying to figure out if that cute girl/guy across the bar is the one they hooked up with at that DNC/GOP convention last year. Other nights, things will skew a little older, with couples in power suits whispering in hushed tones over a scotch.

Of course, their business model of only being open Tuesday through Friday is an odd one. I guess they are marketing themselves as an after work bar for professionals. But I’ve been out on the Hill a number of times where I have wished it was open on Saturday.

I’ve also been to a number of private parties there, and it’s a good space for it. I was at a going away party for a friend of mine there. The party was hosted by lobbyists (read: deep pockets/open bar). Because I’m not a dick, I was ordering rail gin, but there were people ordering $100 scotch. After the open bar was over, some guy kept offering to buy me drinks. I made it clear to him that I was neither professionally useful to him nor gay, but this didn’t dissuade him from wanting to buy me $7 beers. I’m pretty sure it’s part of his job description to spend a certain amount of money every month “entertaining.” Must be nice.

I’ll save you a seat at the bar. Until next week,

Dr. D
lttourist@yahoo.com

*Shamelessly stolen from “Old School”

**Not that I have any personal data on this. As far as you know…

***There is a publication which publishes the “50 Most Beautiful People on the Hill” every year. Someone I know said that this was analogous to the “50 Tallest Midgets” so take that for what it is worth.
http://thehill.com/cover-stories/the-hills-50-most-beautiful-2008-2008-07-29.html

--
The Skinny
Lounge 201

Location: 201 Massachusetts Ave, NE

Closest Metro: Union Station

Food?: Yes, but it’s kind of pretentious and not that great. They recently added a bunch of ceviches, which doesn’t really tickle my taint.

Chicken Tender Rating: No chicken tenders. THE HORROR!

Happy Hour Specials: Different special every day. I am partial to half priced specialty beers on Thursdays.

Drunk Tax (how expensive is it for me to get drunk): $20 during Thursday happy hour, $50 otherwise

Dress Code: Business attire to trendy; no flip flops, hats, shorts, or sports attire.

Dancing: No

Sports on TV: There are TVs, but I can’t promise they will be tuned to sports, especially if there is some political asshat speaking somewhere.

Pool Table: No

Darts: No

Other Games: No. Unless you consider, “Spot the Congressman” a game. Which I don’t.

Type of Bar: Lounge/martini bar

Web site: http://www.lounge201.com/index.html

Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself…

I have traveled around the United States a decent amount. I’ve traveled some for work, some for play, some for my ill fated gay porn career (just kidding), but mostly to medium- to large-sized cities. My totally unscientific impression is that U.S. cities fall into 5 categories:

5) Total poo-poo cities whose suckitude should preclude anyone wanting to live there (e.g Fresno, Rochester)

4) Cities that have a bad rep, but aren’t actually that bad (e.g. Pittsburgh, Cleveland)

3) Normal run of the mill cities that have pros and cons (e.g. Atlanta, Charlotte, Denver, Tampa, Philadelphia)

2) Cities that are considered cool (but are often times overrated) and people might aspire to live there for specific reasons:
a) Boston (so they can learn talk like a “retahd”)
b) New Orleans or Miami (because they relish ball sweat with a side of tropical storms)
c) Chicago (because they enjoy their balls alternately sweating and freezing)
d) San Francisco (for those who long to have their balls fondled by other guys)
e) Seattle (so they can stand on street corners in the rain, drinking coffee and waiting for the “Don’t Walk” sign to change to “Walk” even though there are no cars in sight -- perhaps they have no balls)
f) Portland (because they like to tell their east coast friends how superior Portland is to Seattle).

1) Cities with their own mystique where lots of people DREAM about living there and will move there without even any job prospects (NY and LA).

I have never lived in either NYC or LA, but it seems to me that when people move there to act or model or conquer Wall Street or whatever their personal delusion of world conquest might be, they make a major commitment. But when they fail to become a runway model, new citizens of LA seem to stay there and work at Starbucks or fall to the bottom of the adult webcam industry.

DC, however, stands in a category by itself. In my experience, is people come to DC “change the world.” Recent college graduates arrive with their BA degrees willing to work for painfully little money for either a non-profit or on Capitol Hill, convinced that they can “make a difference.” However, when they learn that the world cannot be changed and/or $35K a year just doesn’t cut it in DC, they don’t stick around. They either go to law school or to business school elsewhere and then get a job in the private sector. Selling out is fun.

What this translates to, in terms of demographics of DC, is a high turnover rate of 20-somethings. Since 20-somethings generally are into drinking and casual sex, this makes DC a lot more fun that it should be on paper.

I enjoy socializing at bars. I go out, what us scientists call, “a lot.” I’m starting this blog in order to share some of the knowledge of DC’s social scene, which I have gleaned during my 5 year tenure here.

So here’s what you can expect from this blog: Washington DC bar and restaurant reviews of a nature that you can’t get anywhere else, postings about unique and/or can’t miss happenings around the area, and possibly* the occasional rant if someone does something stoopid** to piss me off.

Pull up a bar stool and call in sick for work tomorrow.

Cheers,

Dr. D


*and by “possibly” I mean “almost definitely”

** (Sic)