Sport Coats With Arms in the Back

It is very rare that I go to a bar in DC* where my first impression is “Wow, this is different.” Most bars, while fun, are carbon copies of several time tested formulaic designs:

1) Dive bars with over priced drinks
2) Themed bars (e.g. Irish, Latin, sports, etc) with over priced drinks.
3) Upscale bars with very over priced drinks.

Asylum and Russia House** are two bars that break that mold. These are bars where, as soon as you walk in the door, you are actually struck with how different they feel.

Asylum is a metal/biker/goth bar with reasonably priced beers (sort of). They seem to place too much emphasis on cheap beers (High Life drafts and cans of PBR are always cheap), but they also have good beers (e.g. Wolavers Organic Stout) as well.

The décor has a Bram Stoker’s Dracula feel to it. The only thing that would make it creepier would be if Keanu Reeves was studying bartending** for his upcoming Oscar winning performance in the remake of “Casablanca.” But then again I find Keanu creepy in almost any service industry situation.

The soundtrack varies, but unless there is a special DJ, expect lots of metal and old school rap. I am always impressed with the music there.

While they deny being a biker bar, there is motorcycle parking out front and the bar is packed with Harley lovers during certain events (e.g. Rolling Thunder).

Asylum is also known for hosting “alternative” events, such as “jello wrestling”, meet-and-greets with women’s roller derby teams, and “shorts night”, which I was fortunate enough to attend awhile back. Shorts Night encourages women to wear short-shorts. I’m not sure who came up with that idea, but that man deserves some sort of medal. And not the faggy kind that’s mostly ribbon. I’m talking about a metal medal. I think they could step it up a notch by giving away free spa days (waxing, etc) to the woman with the shortest shorts. Although that could backfire: you don’t want a bunch of Sasquatches in short shorts. Ahem.

In addition to bootylicious scenery, I’ve had women whip out their tits**** at the bar, which is always a bonus.

For a bar that looks like it might be the set of a really mediocre porno, the food is actually quite good. Vegetarians rave about their non-meat options, but I usually stick to the burgers or wings. They also serve brunch, which I have not experienced yet. But, it has gotten good reviews.

They may be most famous for their “beat the clock” Saturday happy hour. High Life drafts start at fifty cents at 5 pm and the price goes up 50 cents an hour until 11 pm. Not a bad deal, even if it is only the Champagne of Beers. On a related note, I recently heard someone refer to Moet as the Beer of Champagnes which made me chuckle.

Call in sick for work tomorrow,

Dr. D
lttourist@yahoo.com

*Had I stopped this sentence here, I would have lost any credibility that I may have once garnered.

**Russia House will be the subject of a future review.

***You know, because he’s a method actor.

****OK, I guess in the interest of full disclosure, it was one time and only one tit*****. But still…

*****To clarify, she had two tits, she just only chose to show me one.

The Skinny

Location: 2471 18th St NW

Closest Metro: Woodley Park/Adams Morgan, but Dupont is also walkable

Food?: Surprisingly good bar food with an unnecessary number of vegetarian options. I like meat, dammit!

Chicken Tender Rating: Above average, but not the best thing on the menu
Happy Hour Specials: Monday through Friday $1 off all drinks until 8 pm. Saturday special features 50 cent beers from 5-6pm and continues thru the night with the price increasing a mere 50 cents every hour until reaching it's full price of $3 at 11pm. Food specials vary by day. See website.

Drunk Tax: $30 during happy hour, $40 other times

Dress Code: None, although you might look out of place in a 3 piece suit.

Dancing: Sometimes late night dancing

Sports on TV: No.

Pool Table: Yes (downstairs).

Darts:No.

Other Games: Texas Hold Em on Monday nights.

Type of Bar: Biker bar/dive bar.

Web site: http://www.asylumdc.com/

I’ll Have My Feline-tini Shaken, not Stirred

Most of the bars on Capitol Hill are filled with staffers, many of whom are under 25 and spend their evenings drinking copious quantities of cheap, bad American beer. I’m fine with that, especially when this behavior leads to female interns, whose underwear choices range from “something really cool that I don't even know about*” to “fuck it, it’s laundry day”, dancing on tables.

Ahem.

Sometimes, however, you want to go to a grown up bar. You know, a bar where you don’t have to play “Name that Puddle.” A bar where it’s apparently unacceptable to tell a woman that you have a prehensile penis**. Lounge 201 fills that niche on the Hill.

As the name suggests, it is a lounge, specializing in martinis. Well, it specializes in things served in martini glasses, which technically aren’t martinis. A martini is made with gin or vodka, vermouth and olives or onions. There is no fruit. Martinis aren’t blue. I think these pansy drinks should be called pussytinis. On the other hand, after 3 or 4 of those, a woman is much more likely to start counting the change in my pocket, which is a bonus.

Anyway, I am told the pussytinis at Lounge 201 are good. And they do make real martinis as well. I usually stick to their fairly impressive, albeit bottled, specialty beer list. As an added extra bonus, on Thursdays the specialty beers are half priced until 9 pm (and $1 off after that). I am a big fan of the Ellie’s Brown ($3 during happy hour) and the Arrogant Bastard ($6 for happy hour, but it’s a 22 oz bottle and it’s 10% alcohol, so that’s a bargain). Last time I was there, I ordered an Arrogant Bastard and one of my friends laughed and said, “Of course.” Not sure what that says about her opinion of me, but I was too drunk to care. If you aren’t familiar with Arrogant Bastard, the side of the bottle reads:

“This is an aggressive beer. You probably won’t like it. It is quite doubtful that you have the taste or sophistication to be able to appreciate an ale of this quality and depth. We would suggest that you stick to safer and more familiar territory – maybe something with a multi-million dollar ad campaign aimed at convincing you it’s made in a little brewery, or one that implies that their tasteless fizzy yellow beer will give you more sex appeal. Perhaps you think multi-million dollar ad campaigns make a beer taste better. Perhaps you are mouthing your words as you read this.”

Did I mention that three bottles of this will get you fucked in half drunk?

The crowd at 201 is oddly variable. On some nights there are gaggles of attractive Hill staffers***, throwing back cocktails and trying to figure out if that cute girl/guy across the bar is the one they hooked up with at that DNC/GOP convention last year. Other nights, things will skew a little older, with couples in power suits whispering in hushed tones over a scotch.

Of course, their business model of only being open Tuesday through Friday is an odd one. I guess they are marketing themselves as an after work bar for professionals. But I’ve been out on the Hill a number of times where I have wished it was open on Saturday.

I’ve also been to a number of private parties there, and it’s a good space for it. I was at a going away party for a friend of mine there. The party was hosted by lobbyists (read: deep pockets/open bar). Because I’m not a dick, I was ordering rail gin, but there were people ordering $100 scotch. After the open bar was over, some guy kept offering to buy me drinks. I made it clear to him that I was neither professionally useful to him nor gay, but this didn’t dissuade him from wanting to buy me $7 beers. I’m pretty sure it’s part of his job description to spend a certain amount of money every month “entertaining.” Must be nice.

I’ll save you a seat at the bar. Until next week,

Dr. D
lttourist@yahoo.com

*Shamelessly stolen from “Old School”

**Not that I have any personal data on this. As far as you know…

***There is a publication which publishes the “50 Most Beautiful People on the Hill” every year. Someone I know said that this was analogous to the “50 Tallest Midgets” so take that for what it is worth.
http://thehill.com/cover-stories/the-hills-50-most-beautiful-2008-2008-07-29.html

--
The Skinny
Lounge 201

Location: 201 Massachusetts Ave, NE

Closest Metro: Union Station

Food?: Yes, but it’s kind of pretentious and not that great. They recently added a bunch of ceviches, which doesn’t really tickle my taint.

Chicken Tender Rating: No chicken tenders. THE HORROR!

Happy Hour Specials: Different special every day. I am partial to half priced specialty beers on Thursdays.

Drunk Tax (how expensive is it for me to get drunk): $20 during Thursday happy hour, $50 otherwise

Dress Code: Business attire to trendy; no flip flops, hats, shorts, or sports attire.

Dancing: No

Sports on TV: There are TVs, but I can’t promise they will be tuned to sports, especially if there is some political asshat speaking somewhere.

Pool Table: No

Darts: No

Other Games: No. Unless you consider, “Spot the Congressman” a game. Which I don’t.

Type of Bar: Lounge/martini bar

Web site: http://www.lounge201.com/index.html