Sport Coats With Arms in the Back

It is very rare that I go to a bar in DC* where my first impression is “Wow, this is different.” Most bars, while fun, are carbon copies of several time tested formulaic designs:

1) Dive bars with over priced drinks
2) Themed bars (e.g. Irish, Latin, sports, etc) with over priced drinks.
3) Upscale bars with very over priced drinks.

Asylum and Russia House** are two bars that break that mold. These are bars where, as soon as you walk in the door, you are actually struck with how different they feel.

Asylum is a metal/biker/goth bar with reasonably priced beers (sort of). They seem to place too much emphasis on cheap beers (High Life drafts and cans of PBR are always cheap), but they also have good beers (e.g. Wolavers Organic Stout) as well.

The décor has a Bram Stoker’s Dracula feel to it. The only thing that would make it creepier would be if Keanu Reeves was studying bartending** for his upcoming Oscar winning performance in the remake of “Casablanca.” But then again I find Keanu creepy in almost any service industry situation.

The soundtrack varies, but unless there is a special DJ, expect lots of metal and old school rap. I am always impressed with the music there.

While they deny being a biker bar, there is motorcycle parking out front and the bar is packed with Harley lovers during certain events (e.g. Rolling Thunder).

Asylum is also known for hosting “alternative” events, such as “jello wrestling”, meet-and-greets with women’s roller derby teams, and “shorts night”, which I was fortunate enough to attend awhile back. Shorts Night encourages women to wear short-shorts. I’m not sure who came up with that idea, but that man deserves some sort of medal. And not the faggy kind that’s mostly ribbon. I’m talking about a metal medal. I think they could step it up a notch by giving away free spa days (waxing, etc) to the woman with the shortest shorts. Although that could backfire: you don’t want a bunch of Sasquatches in short shorts. Ahem.

In addition to bootylicious scenery, I’ve had women whip out their tits**** at the bar, which is always a bonus.

For a bar that looks like it might be the set of a really mediocre porno, the food is actually quite good. Vegetarians rave about their non-meat options, but I usually stick to the burgers or wings. They also serve brunch, which I have not experienced yet. But, it has gotten good reviews.

They may be most famous for their “beat the clock” Saturday happy hour. High Life drafts start at fifty cents at 5 pm and the price goes up 50 cents an hour until 11 pm. Not a bad deal, even if it is only the Champagne of Beers. On a related note, I recently heard someone refer to Moet as the Beer of Champagnes which made me chuckle.

Call in sick for work tomorrow,

Dr. D
lttourist@yahoo.com

*Had I stopped this sentence here, I would have lost any credibility that I may have once garnered.

**Russia House will be the subject of a future review.

***You know, because he’s a method actor.

****OK, I guess in the interest of full disclosure, it was one time and only one tit*****. But still…

*****To clarify, she had two tits, she just only chose to show me one.

The Skinny

Location: 2471 18th St NW

Closest Metro: Woodley Park/Adams Morgan, but Dupont is also walkable

Food?: Surprisingly good bar food with an unnecessary number of vegetarian options. I like meat, dammit!

Chicken Tender Rating: Above average, but not the best thing on the menu
Happy Hour Specials: Monday through Friday $1 off all drinks until 8 pm. Saturday special features 50 cent beers from 5-6pm and continues thru the night with the price increasing a mere 50 cents every hour until reaching it's full price of $3 at 11pm. Food specials vary by day. See website.

Drunk Tax: $30 during happy hour, $40 other times

Dress Code: None, although you might look out of place in a 3 piece suit.

Dancing: Sometimes late night dancing

Sports on TV: No.

Pool Table: Yes (downstairs).

Darts:No.

Other Games: Texas Hold Em on Monday nights.

Type of Bar: Biker bar/dive bar.

Web site: http://www.asylumdc.com/

Hasaaan Chop!

I’m really not much of a foodie. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy eating and I appreciate good food, but I’m just as happy with good $10 Thai take-out as I am with a $50 dinner.

If I am going to drop cash for a meal, it better involve good drinks and manly food (unless of course, I’m wining and dining a woman in an attempt to get into her drawers, then I might eat at some organic-pussified boutique restaurant that she saw on the Food Fucking Network).

Not to get off topic here, but since I mentioned “organic” I have to say a few words about that. The way that the food industry has hijacked the words “organic” and “all natural” pisses me off. The real definition of organic is a class of organic compounds that contain carbon. Plastics are organic, as are many really toxic compounds (e.g. pesticides, like DDT). And as for “all natural”, which means occurring in nature, guess what: lard is all natural. So are mercury and lead. So neither “organic” nor “all natural” really means “good for you.”

End rant…

Anyway, my favorite place to drop cash for manly food (read: food that had parents, possibly served bloody) and drink is the District Chophouse and Brewery. Even though this is a small corporate chain (in the line of Rock Bottom Brewery), they make up for that with extremely good meat (snicker) and excellent beer brewed on-site.

The beer is my favorite of the brew houses in DC. The selection varies but they always have a light, an amber and a brown on tap. I am partial to the brown and I’ve had several very good stouts there as well. They also always have one of their brews offered as “velvet”, meaning they use nitrogen gas (like Guinness) instead of carbon dioxide. They have a decent wine list and a full bar, but if you aren’t drinking beer here you are missing out…or possibly retarded.

Like any good steak house, the portions are large enough that you don’t need an appetizer (and entrees come with a salad and cornbread). However, if you are just having a snack with a couple of pints of beer, go with the pizza (very tasty) or the onion rings, which are, I shit you not, the size of donuts.

Any of their meat products are outstanding. In general I prefer steak to lamb, but that’s just a personal preference of mine and does not reflect the quality of the things that once went “baaaa” at this establishment. The crab cakes are also very good. There is one chicken dish on the menu, but I think you need to demonstrate that you have ovaries in order to order it.

The ambience has a 1920’s speakeasy feel to it, complete with a swing music soundtrack. The service is generally very good, especially the bartenders. If you are looking for a less formal dining experience, head to the upstairs bar which is cool place to hang out.

Cheers,
Dr. D


The Skinny
District Chophouse and Brewery
Location: 509 7th Street, NW

Closest Metro: Gallery Place/Chinatown (Red/Yellow/Green line; use Arena exit)

Cost (for entrée and two drinks, including tip): $45

Dress Code: No, but most people are in business casual

Dancing: No.

Sports on TV: There are a few TVs and they will put a game on for you if you ask.

Type of Restaurant: Steakhouse/brewpub

Bar?: Yes, there are two bars. I really like the upstairs bars, which sports 2 pool tables and some couches.

Happy Hour Specials: Beer specials from 3 pm until 7 pm weekdays.

Chicken Tenders: One Star, one of the few items on the menu that isn’t good.

Sunday Brunch: Yes, although it is shame to come here and not get a steak.

Web site: http://www.chophouse.com/DCHome.php?FKLocationID=10092

I’ll Have My Feline-tini Shaken, not Stirred

Most of the bars on Capitol Hill are filled with staffers, many of whom are under 25 and spend their evenings drinking copious quantities of cheap, bad American beer. I’m fine with that, especially when this behavior leads to female interns, whose underwear choices range from “something really cool that I don't even know about*” to “fuck it, it’s laundry day”, dancing on tables.

Ahem.

Sometimes, however, you want to go to a grown up bar. You know, a bar where you don’t have to play “Name that Puddle.” A bar where it’s apparently unacceptable to tell a woman that you have a prehensile penis**. Lounge 201 fills that niche on the Hill.

As the name suggests, it is a lounge, specializing in martinis. Well, it specializes in things served in martini glasses, which technically aren’t martinis. A martini is made with gin or vodka, vermouth and olives or onions. There is no fruit. Martinis aren’t blue. I think these pansy drinks should be called pussytinis. On the other hand, after 3 or 4 of those, a woman is much more likely to start counting the change in my pocket, which is a bonus.

Anyway, I am told the pussytinis at Lounge 201 are good. And they do make real martinis as well. I usually stick to their fairly impressive, albeit bottled, specialty beer list. As an added extra bonus, on Thursdays the specialty beers are half priced until 9 pm (and $1 off after that). I am a big fan of the Ellie’s Brown ($3 during happy hour) and the Arrogant Bastard ($6 for happy hour, but it’s a 22 oz bottle and it’s 10% alcohol, so that’s a bargain). Last time I was there, I ordered an Arrogant Bastard and one of my friends laughed and said, “Of course.” Not sure what that says about her opinion of me, but I was too drunk to care. If you aren’t familiar with Arrogant Bastard, the side of the bottle reads:

“This is an aggressive beer. You probably won’t like it. It is quite doubtful that you have the taste or sophistication to be able to appreciate an ale of this quality and depth. We would suggest that you stick to safer and more familiar territory – maybe something with a multi-million dollar ad campaign aimed at convincing you it’s made in a little brewery, or one that implies that their tasteless fizzy yellow beer will give you more sex appeal. Perhaps you think multi-million dollar ad campaigns make a beer taste better. Perhaps you are mouthing your words as you read this.”

Did I mention that three bottles of this will get you fucked in half drunk?

The crowd at 201 is oddly variable. On some nights there are gaggles of attractive Hill staffers***, throwing back cocktails and trying to figure out if that cute girl/guy across the bar is the one they hooked up with at that DNC/GOP convention last year. Other nights, things will skew a little older, with couples in power suits whispering in hushed tones over a scotch.

Of course, their business model of only being open Tuesday through Friday is an odd one. I guess they are marketing themselves as an after work bar for professionals. But I’ve been out on the Hill a number of times where I have wished it was open on Saturday.

I’ve also been to a number of private parties there, and it’s a good space for it. I was at a going away party for a friend of mine there. The party was hosted by lobbyists (read: deep pockets/open bar). Because I’m not a dick, I was ordering rail gin, but there were people ordering $100 scotch. After the open bar was over, some guy kept offering to buy me drinks. I made it clear to him that I was neither professionally useful to him nor gay, but this didn’t dissuade him from wanting to buy me $7 beers. I’m pretty sure it’s part of his job description to spend a certain amount of money every month “entertaining.” Must be nice.

I’ll save you a seat at the bar. Until next week,

Dr. D
lttourist@yahoo.com

*Shamelessly stolen from “Old School”

**Not that I have any personal data on this. As far as you know…

***There is a publication which publishes the “50 Most Beautiful People on the Hill” every year. Someone I know said that this was analogous to the “50 Tallest Midgets” so take that for what it is worth.
http://thehill.com/cover-stories/the-hills-50-most-beautiful-2008-2008-07-29.html

--
The Skinny
Lounge 201

Location: 201 Massachusetts Ave, NE

Closest Metro: Union Station

Food?: Yes, but it’s kind of pretentious and not that great. They recently added a bunch of ceviches, which doesn’t really tickle my taint.

Chicken Tender Rating: No chicken tenders. THE HORROR!

Happy Hour Specials: Different special every day. I am partial to half priced specialty beers on Thursdays.

Drunk Tax (how expensive is it for me to get drunk): $20 during Thursday happy hour, $50 otherwise

Dress Code: Business attire to trendy; no flip flops, hats, shorts, or sports attire.

Dancing: No

Sports on TV: There are TVs, but I can’t promise they will be tuned to sports, especially if there is some political asshat speaking somewhere.

Pool Table: No

Darts: No

Other Games: No. Unless you consider, “Spot the Congressman” a game. Which I don’t.

Type of Bar: Lounge/martini bar

Web site: http://www.lounge201.com/index.html

Silly Rabbit, Beers are for Drunks

I’ll be honest: Lucky Bar is one of my favorite bars in DC. And the funny thing is I don’t have a fucking clue why. If you examine the bar on paper, it would appear that I should hate it: it’s a soccer bar populated by smelly bike messengers and equally odiferous restrooms, with $2 Bud specials.

Perhaps it’s the memories I have accumulated over the years that make it my favorite. These include:

1) The bar staying open during a hurricane when all other bars were closed
2) A friend testing his new waterproof camera by dipping it in his rum and coke
3) A woman flashing me and my friend, my friend licking her nipple (after being invited to do so) and then announcing that it tasted like a pulled pork sandwich.
4) The same woman offering to buy the shirt I was wearing off my back
5) A frank conversation among my friends about sex, which culminated with my friend’s girlfriend (now wife) turning to him and saying “I think you are doing it wrong.”

On a less personal level: it’s a dive bar* that can easily be a sports bar, a happy hour spot or a late night dancing/hookup locale. Woo-hoo for diversity!

There are a good number of TVs scattered around the bar, all of which are tuned to sports. They also have a projection TV that they use for bigger events (e.g. Final Four, Super Bowl). However, televised sports are most often skewed towards soccer, so if you are a soccer fan this is the bar for you.

On second thought, if you are a soccer fan, kill yourself.

Thursday night is the night to go. Drink specials last all night and are $2 for bottles of Bud and Bud Light, and more importantly, mixed drinks. It is possible to get drunk enough to make bad decisions for less than $20, which is a rarity these days in DC. A DJ gets the dance floor going late night, as the $2 social lubricants transform the bar from a happy hour spot into a hookup spot.

If top 40 and old school isn’t in your wheelhouse, Monday night is salsa night, although I’ve never experienced that scene.

Since this is my first bar review, I’ll preface the following paragraph by saying that I am a bit of a chicken tender connoisseur. I have sampled chicken tenders in almost every bar in DC. While not even in my top ten favorite foods, chicken tenders are quite possibly the perfect bar food: easy to eat with your hands, not too messy, easy to share. Of course, some chicken tenders resemble rubber covered in sawdust, so sometimes you are rolling the dice when ordering these in an unknown eatery. Expect me to comment on the quality of chicken tenders at any bar I review, but you have to promise to use this information for good and not for evil.

The chicken tenders at Lucky Bar are the best in DC. I heartily endorse them. They come over in a huge basket of fries – way too much food. But the tenders’ breading is perfect and the chicken is high quality. Plus, you’ll need that amount of grease to soak up a dozen Bud Lights.

Look for a new review next Wednesday.

Belly up to the bar and feel free to buy me a round!
Dr. D
lttourist@yahoo.com

*Dive meaning “crappy and rundown”; not having anything to do with Seahunt or Greg Louganis.

The Skinny
Lucky Bar

Location: 1221 Connecticut Ave NW

Closest Metro: Dupont Circle (Red Line; use South Exit)

Food?: Yes, typical bar food, at reasonable prices.

Chicken Tender Rating: Five Stars! Best in DC

Happy Hour Specials: Monday through Friday, specials vary by day, see website

Drunk Tax: (i.e. how much money will it take to get me drunk): $20 on Thursday, $40 any other night

Dress Code: No

Dancing: Sometimes (Salsa on Mondays, drunken late night dancing Thurs-Sat)

Sports on TV: Yes, especially soccer.

Pool Table: One coin op

Darts: No

Other Games: Golden Tee

Type of Bar: Dive

Web Site: http://www.luckybardc.com/

Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself…

I have traveled around the United States a decent amount. I’ve traveled some for work, some for play, some for my ill fated gay porn career (just kidding), but mostly to medium- to large-sized cities. My totally unscientific impression is that U.S. cities fall into 5 categories:

5) Total poo-poo cities whose suckitude should preclude anyone wanting to live there (e.g Fresno, Rochester)

4) Cities that have a bad rep, but aren’t actually that bad (e.g. Pittsburgh, Cleveland)

3) Normal run of the mill cities that have pros and cons (e.g. Atlanta, Charlotte, Denver, Tampa, Philadelphia)

2) Cities that are considered cool (but are often times overrated) and people might aspire to live there for specific reasons:
a) Boston (so they can learn talk like a “retahd”)
b) New Orleans or Miami (because they relish ball sweat with a side of tropical storms)
c) Chicago (because they enjoy their balls alternately sweating and freezing)
d) San Francisco (for those who long to have their balls fondled by other guys)
e) Seattle (so they can stand on street corners in the rain, drinking coffee and waiting for the “Don’t Walk” sign to change to “Walk” even though there are no cars in sight -- perhaps they have no balls)
f) Portland (because they like to tell their east coast friends how superior Portland is to Seattle).

1) Cities with their own mystique where lots of people DREAM about living there and will move there without even any job prospects (NY and LA).

I have never lived in either NYC or LA, but it seems to me that when people move there to act or model or conquer Wall Street or whatever their personal delusion of world conquest might be, they make a major commitment. But when they fail to become a runway model, new citizens of LA seem to stay there and work at Starbucks or fall to the bottom of the adult webcam industry.

DC, however, stands in a category by itself. In my experience, is people come to DC “change the world.” Recent college graduates arrive with their BA degrees willing to work for painfully little money for either a non-profit or on Capitol Hill, convinced that they can “make a difference.” However, when they learn that the world cannot be changed and/or $35K a year just doesn’t cut it in DC, they don’t stick around. They either go to law school or to business school elsewhere and then get a job in the private sector. Selling out is fun.

What this translates to, in terms of demographics of DC, is a high turnover rate of 20-somethings. Since 20-somethings generally are into drinking and casual sex, this makes DC a lot more fun that it should be on paper.

I enjoy socializing at bars. I go out, what us scientists call, “a lot.” I’m starting this blog in order to share some of the knowledge of DC’s social scene, which I have gleaned during my 5 year tenure here.

So here’s what you can expect from this blog: Washington DC bar and restaurant reviews of a nature that you can’t get anywhere else, postings about unique and/or can’t miss happenings around the area, and possibly* the occasional rant if someone does something stoopid** to piss me off.

Pull up a bar stool and call in sick for work tomorrow.

Cheers,

Dr. D


*and by “possibly” I mean “almost definitely”

** (Sic)